What Does "Having It Together" Even Mean?

People say it to me a lot. "I don't know how you do it." "You have it together." Sometimes it's a compliment, sometimes it's a joke, but sometimes it's someone who genuinely wants to know some secret. I usually laugh because I do not feel like I have anything together. Like okay, I do sometimes then get humbled the very next day (or hour).

I want to actually answer it because the honest answer is there isn't a specific system or secret. It is messy over here especially more so in 2026. I've been thrown more obstacles this year than previous ones, but what choice do I have? Adjust and keep going. I should've known 2026 would be tough when it started off with about 12 hospital visits in 10 days between Flu A, Flu B, ear infections, etc etc etc because January felt never-ending. I had to extend my maternity leave for being sick and felt guilty like I was failing before I was even back.

February came, and was looking forward to celebrating G's 5th birthday with her annual Disney trip. As magical as it was, this came just days after my dad's cancer diagnosis, while we waited for my mom's biopsy results. March I decided to escape twice to Miami without kids (only 48hrs because that's all I can manage to not miss them so much) to finally sleep, but instead it was coordinating doctor visits and even planning my resignation. Finally April for much needed Punta Cana to recharge before starting a new job and to celebrate M1's 3rd birthday...my heart is heavy because it happened a couple of weeks after a funeral I am still trying to process. May was heavy watching chemo side effects place my dad in inpatient care while my mom had surgery scheduled. But also exciting because I graduated, gave the student commencement speech and started a new job where I am genuinely happy and excited to go to everyday.

Every high had a low sitting right next to it. Not a metaphor, that's just literally what this year has been. Through all of it, the version of me that shows up in public still looks, apparently, like someone who has it together. Meanwhile, I am still not sleeping. My anxiety doesn't really turn off, especially with three kids. I'm still breastfeeding. I haven't figured out a schedule that actually works for three, plus a commute, plus a job I'm still new at. I am so many things at once and none of them get to fully clock out for the others.

When someone tells me I have it together, I want to laugh. Not because they're wrong to say it, but because I don't know what else there is to do. What's my choice? I have goals. I have kids. Stopping was never actually a choice on the table. Scheduling time for me to break down after bedtime apparently is but not stopping.

When I think of people saying "having it together" I think of someone killing it at work. Killing it at home. An organized clean house. An empty laundry basket. Home-cooked meals, all three, everyday. Never missing a deadline. Date nights. Sex. Self-care. Working out. Playtime with the kids. Time to rest. Time for hobbies. And a million other things supposed to fit inside the same 24 hours.

It doesn't fit. I don't think it fits for anyone, no matter how it looks from the outside. I don't have it figured out, and honestly, I refuse to believe anybody does. It's okay to have different priorities and some days you are killing it in one aspect but not in another. Some days I feel like I am the greatest mom in the world and other nights I feel like I caused some sort of trauma just screaming to everyone that it's bedtime.

Some days I am so proud of myself and what I'm holding. Other days I feel like I am barely holding on. Other days it is a mix of both those things, changing every hour. I'm not writing this because I have the answer. I'm writing this because I'm tired of the question assuming there is one.